The Stories We Tell About Money: How to See Your Partner’s True Intentions

In the world of relationships, finances often act as both a bridge and a battleground. When couples navigate financial decisions together, it’s not uncommon for one partner to assign an intention or meaning to the other’s choices.

Why did they choose to spend money on that? Were they being selfish? Thoughtless? Or maybe overly cautious? These assumptions about our partner’s motivations are natural but can be dangerously misleading when left unchecked.

Misreading intentions can lead to conflict—sometimes conflict that repeats itself in an exhausting, seemingly unbreakable loop. Understanding how and why this happens is a crucial step in fostering financial intimacy and secure relating within your partnership.

The Psychological Process of Assumed Intention

When your partner makes a financial decision, your mind may immediately start crafting a story about why they did what they did. This mental shortcut is influenced by your own experiences, values, and emotional state. For example:

• Scenario 1: Your partner buys an expensive new gadget without discussing it. You assume they were being irresponsible or prioritizing their wants over shared goals.
• Scenario 2: Your partner insists on saving every extra dollar. You assign the intention that they are controlling or fearful of spending.

In both examples, the intention you’ve assigned may or may not align with your partner’s actual motivation. The problem arises when we rigidly attach to these assumptions without exploring whether they are accurate.

Why Misreading Intention Hurts Relationships

When intentions are misunderstood, the natural response is often defensiveness, frustration, or withdrawal. This creates a cycle of conflict:

1. The Assumption: You misinterpret your partner’s motivation.
2. The Reaction: You respond based on that assumption, often with criticism or defensiveness.
3. The Escalation: Your partner, feeling misjudged, reacts defensively, amplifying the tension.

Over time, this pattern erodes trust, reduces empathy, and makes financial discussions feel like a minefield.

A Reflective Approach to Understanding Intention

Breaking this cycle starts with cultivating openness and curiosity about your partner’s motivations. Here’s how you can start:

1. Recognize Patterns of Assumed Intention

Take a step back and reflect on the stories you tell yourself about your partner’s financial decisions. Are your assumptions often negative or overly critical? Have you considered alternate possibilities?

2. Consider Positive and Negative Interpretations

Train yourself to think through both sides of intention:

• Negative Intention: “They’re being careless and only thinking about themselves.”
• Positive Intention: “Maybe they thought this purchase would make life easier for both of us, or they didn’t realize it needed to be a discussion.”

Exploring both possibilities can prevent you from jumping to conclusions and foster a more balanced perspective.

3. Ask Questions, Don’t Assume

When in doubt, ask your partner to share their thought process. For example, instead of saying, “Why would you waste money on this?” try: “I’m curious—what was your thinking behind this decision?”

The tone and openness of your inquiry matter as much as the words.

Responding with Empathy to Misunderstandings

If you’re the partner whose intentions were misread, it can be tempting to respond defensively. Instead, try this empathetic approach:

1. Acknowledge Their Feelings: “I can see why this decision might have felt surprising or upsetting to you.”
   
   
2. Clarify Your Intention: “What I was hoping to achieve was [state your actual intention].”
   
   
3. Invite Collaboration: “How can we approach this together in the future to avoid confusion?”
   
   

This kind of response helps de-escalate tension, models secure relating, and strengthens trust.

Error-Correcting and Building Financial Intimacy

No one gets it right 100% of the time, and that’s okay. What’s important is the willingness to course-correct when misunderstandings happen. Secure relating is built on mutual understanding and repair—not perfection.

By reflecting on assumptions, staying open to alternative explanations, and responding with empathy, couples can transform financial decision-making into an opportunity for connection rather than conflict.

Final Thoughts

Money matters, but the stories we tell ourselves about money often matter more. By being curious about your partner’s intentions and cultivating a habit of error correction, you can break free from the cycle of conflict and move toward greater financial intimacy. When couples work together to truly understand each other’s motivations, they build not only financial harmony but also a deeper sense of trust and love.