From Assumptions to Affirmation in Financial Talks with Dr. Sonya Lutter
"We think we need more money to be happy, but in reality, we just need those people to talk with and count on and feel connected with."
Did you know that money-related arguments between married couples are the most predictive of divorce compared to any other type of conflict?
Our host Ed Coambs sits down with financial therapist Dr. Sonya Lutter to unpack this uncomfortable truth and how couples can take steps to masterfully navigate financial challenges of all kinds. Sonya draws from over two decades of research and marriage counseling. When she’s not speaking onstage or working with clients, she’s teaching at Texas Tech University as the Director of the Financial Health and Wellness program.
"If I'm more stressed, the people around me become more stressed. Our brains are wired to pick up on each other's emotional states."
Ed and Sonya kick things off talking about the power of open communication regarding money and role expectations as early as possible in a relationship. Sonya shares how unspoken assumptions and unmet expectations can silently brew conflict, even without overt arguments. She explains why it’s so important not just to have regular conversations with your spouse, but also to seek professional support on your financial wellness journey.
"While we might believe we're in complete control of ourselves, much of our behavior is instinctive and triggered by external stimuli."
They also explore the connection between financial anxiety and family dynamics. Sonya discusses how the fight-or-flight response influences our interactions and responsibilities as adults and parents. Finally, she and Ed touch on the magic of co-regulation (versus codependency), through which partners can support each other in managing stress.
Key Topics:
- Why Couples Get Stuck Around Money (02:37)
- Why Conflict is Not Restricted to Yelling at Each Other (06:27)
- Focusing on the Thing and Not the Person (10:32)
- Defining “Physiological Stress” and the Power of “Co-Regulation” (14:18)
- What Triggers Financial Anxiety? (19:37)
- Why Relationships Matter (22:57)
- Attachment Theory and Meeting Needs (29:10)
- Scheduling Financial Conversations with Your Spouse (32:10)
Resources:
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