Money Fights in Relationships, are They Normal?
Nov 17, 2020
The topic of money in relationships is a touchy one, one that can lead to money fights.
Money fights are when you and your partner have difficulty relating to each other and communicating around money.
When discussing money, you may believe that your money expectations and goals are right and your partner’s wrong (and vice versa). This leads to tension and frustration, which results in fighting about money.
Generally speaking, our society portrays couples fighting about money as normal, even expected in a relationship.
The truth is they don’t have to be.
So, how do you resolve them?
By first understanding where your individual money stories come from.
Money Stories
Money fights are based on the feelings and emotions you have about money—sometimes called money stories.
We all have money stories, though we may not know where they come from.
You and your partner likely have different money stories.
Your Background Creates Your Money Story
Children, learn by example from their parents, grandparents, siblings, relatives, and other people who influence their lives.
Some things are taught to you with intention, like how to bake cookies or throw a football.
However, other things are taught unintentionally, through what you observe or what is modeled to you.
As an example, if as a child you observe your mother always spending money and your father never spending money you may have developed the belief that wives/mothers spend and husbands/fathers make money.
Money beliefs are shaped by what you see as much as by what may be said.
Other concrete things related to money, such as budgeting and financial planning, you may learn intentionally or may not have learned at all.
How Money Stories Impact Your Relationship
Either way, what you know impacts your relationship with your finances and eventually your partner.
When partners join together their finances merge too.
Whether there are separate accounts or not, you have shared bills and expenses that you share the responsibility for.
You may also have larger plans for the future, perhaps a wedding, buying a home, world travel, or planning for retirement, and you each contribute financially (or otherwise) to these plans.
This is where those original family money stories come into play.
You were each raised with a set of beliefs given to you by your family-of-origin (intentionally or unintentionally).
Your views on how to handle money will be different from one another, and though neither may be wrong, they can create conflict and can lead to money fights.
An Example of Conflicting Money Stories
Let’s look at the hypothetical couple, Jack and Diane, as an example of conflicting money stories.
Jack was raised in a loving family—mom, dad, and two siblings.
His dad had a good job, but it was one that required him to travel a lot.
His mom dabbled with some part-time work, but raising three kids with his dad frequently away required her to be at home primarily tending to the day-to-day needs of the family.
Jack’s mom was frugal, as his dad was mostly responsible for the finances.
When his dad came home, he was generous with gifts and activities which Jack assumed were to compensate for his absences.
Diane was also raised in a loving home but her family struggled financially.
Though both parents worked, money was tight and sometimes there wasn’t enough for the bills or even food.
She remembers having to go with her parents and sibling to food pantries to ask for help.
When Diane and Jack married, they began to see the vast differences in how they viewed money and wanted to use it.
Jack wanted to spend on material things, to keep up with the latest and greatest things.
Diane was content to live a more modest lifestyle, saving money for a sizable emergency fund. She wanted to be able to always provide for themselves so that they wouldn't require assistance at any point as her family had.
Jack and Diane’s frequent money arguments included statements such as, “This is how we did it” and “My way works for me.”
These arguments are hurtful to both of them. Yet each is coming from a place of their own experience and not meaning to be hurtful to the other.
What is a Family Money Tree and How can it Help?
Before you can fix these differences, you have to understand them.
These money stories and beliefs are deeply rooted within you. You likely do not understand them yourself. So how can your partner?
A great starting point is to work through the Family Money Tree.
A family money tree examines where your money beliefs come from and how they affect you and your beliefs.
When you each explore your money stories and share the results, you can then begin to understand each other on a deeper level.
This is the first piece to resolving your financial arguments.
How Developing Empathy Can Resolve Your Money Fights
I would hope that Jack and Diane, or anyone facing these divided views on money, would find that there is help available.
Through financial therapy, you and your partner can openly discuss your individual beliefs and money stories.
Furthermore, by hearing and understanding the feelings and emotions behind those beliefs for your partner you'll begin to develop financial empathy for them.
That empathy is key to your healing and turning conflict into conversation and compassion around your finances.
When this financial empathy begins to be established, you can walk toward financial wellbeing and develop a mutually agreeable path forward to your goals and dreams.
Would you like more 1 on 1 support? Then perhaps Therapy Informed Financial Planning is for the two of you. I invite you to schedule your free 30-minute discovery call today.
Wishing You Healthy Love and Money,
Ed Coambs
MBA, MA, MS, CFP®, CFT-I™, LMFT
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