How Healthy Couples Use Gratitude During Financial Planning

Dear Healthy Love and Money Community,

I’ll be honest—I don’t have this all figured out. 

Yes, I am a so-called “expert” on the intersection of love and money based on my educational and professional background. At the same time, there is so much more for me to understand as a husband, father, money manager, and human being. I worry about what authority I have when my mental, relational, or financial state isn’t ideal. (Logically, I recognize these doubts as the voice of perfectionism, but it sure can be a loud one.)

For example, we all know that gratitude is good for us and that we should practice more of it. Yet I feel some shame that I am not more grateful. To be honest, I have had somewhat of a conflicted relationship with gratitude. 

I share all this to say we are in the pursuit of healthy relationships and gratitude together (and yes, I will tie this into financial planning). 

Who Is a Healthy Couple?

On the surface, this appears to be an easy question to ask and answer. Yet I think we all know that the answer is more complex when we peel back the layers. 

The simple answer is that healthy partners love each other and can navigate through their inevitable differences without damaging themselves or each other. If they do hurt each other, they seek ways to repair the hurt. 

As I was reading the wonderful book Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson, I was reminded that the nature of intimate relationships and what is seen as “healthy” has evolved a lot over the last 100 years. I imagine your understanding of what a healthy couple looks like has also grown and changed over time. 

There is a whole host of thoughts, feelings, behaviors, beliefs, and our sense of self and others woven into our concept of what a healthy couple is. 

Healthy couples do not have to have it all figured out, but they do share a commitment to continually learning, healing, and growing as a couple. They embrace a growth mindset about the health and vitality of their relationship. 

What is Gratitude?

Much like defining a healthy relationship, defining gratitude can be both simple and complex. The phenomenon of gratitude has existed since time immemorial, yet it is a human experience that must regularly be practiced and cultivated. 

Many people I work with grew up in a low-gratitude environment. I also grew up in a low-gratitude environment and as I write this blog post, I am just realizing this for the first time. 

In my family, I did not hear words of appreciation for what anyone did. I suppose the thanks were implied, but in the absence of words and a felt sense of gratitude, I missed the memo. 

Many of us grow up with cultural experiences like Thanksgiving that are supposed to help draw us into gratitude, alongside religious and/or philosophical teachings focused on the importance of gratitude. Yet this was not a part of my family culture. 

As I write this, I feel an opening up. The fog in my head releases. 

Mom and Dad, if you’re reading this, please know that I am not blaming you. I am acknowledging my own experience and perspective. It has only been in recent years that I can recall words of gratitude being expressed by my mother about my father. 

What was gratitude like in the family you grew up in?

What about the family and relationships you have currently? 

Our relationship with gratitude can be challenging when we experience hurt (of many types, including abuse) and misunderstanding in our relationships. I am not saying we should be grateful for these painful realities. 

An oft-cited scripture is 1 Thessalonians 5:16, which says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” The black-and-white, all-or-nothing sentiment in these teachings can become toxic psychologically and relationally. This can be a part of religious trauma. Forced gratitude for trying and difficult times can stop us from exploring more adaptive ways of working towards resolving conflict and moving towards safety. 

Gratitude can be great when used wisely. Like all psychological processes, gratitude can lead to a life of deeper meaning, connection, purpose, and well-being. Continuing to explore your relationship and experiences with gratitude can help you experience it more fully.

Just taking the time to write about my thoughts and experiences of gratitude has shifted something deep within me.

How Do Couples Use Gratitude Together?

I would like to introduce two aspects of gratitude for you to use in your intimate relationship. The first is gratitude for the things your partner does for you. This can be foot rubs, runs to the grocery store, planning a family trip, managing the household finances—the list is endless. It is certainly important and helpful to acknowledge these actions. 

Another type of gratitude is about the person—their character. It can be gratitude for their ability to be loving, caring, responsible, thoughtful, confident, etc. This speaks to who the person is and what that means to you. 

When we combine these two types of gratitude (instead of just expressing one type), it magnifies the impact of sharing gratitude with your partner. 

One thing to be aware of when expressing gratitude towards your partner is that if your observations are not how they see themselves, it will be harder for them to receive your expressions of gratitude towards them. 

An exercise you can do as a couple is to explore early experiences of gratitude and what that was like. If you are like many of my clients who grew up in low-gratitude environments or where gratitude was taken to extremes, then it will take some conscious effort on both of your parts to explore what it will look like to both give and receive gratitude. 

How Can Financial Planning Help With Gratitude As A Couple?

Money is an emotionally and physiologically charged topic for many people. Our body-based responses to money have been conditioned over countless relational and financial experiences. 

When we start to plan and make decisions (from the informal decisions of how much to spend on a child’s birthday party to how much should we be saving for our retirement), I imagine we would all love to experience gratitude as our first response to having money for our child's birthday party or planning for our retirement. 

But when we objectively do not have enough money to fulfill those goals, gratitude is probably not the response that comes forward. Fear, anger, disappointment, and shame are just a few that may be evoked. The question is: “Do these responses lead us towards more compassion for ourselves and our partners so we can find solutions, or do they lead us into criticism, contempt, and stonewalling, which block progress toward our financial goals and desires?”

A well-supported financial planning process can help us process and integrate the financial patterns in our lives. Comprehensive financial planning synthesizes all the moving pieces of our financial life, bringing clarity about the next steps we want to take as a couple. 

Couples are notorious for not always seeing eye to eye on what to do with the money that flows through their lives, leading to conflict and disengagement. 

The road back together in financial planning is recognizing that you are in this life together. The money that flows through your life is a shared resource—one that, when managed collaboratively, can deepen financial intimacy and lead to greater financial well-being in the long run. 

Fostering a culture of gratitude can open new horizons in your life together as you view your money as a resource to fulfill what is meaningful to both of you. 

Let’s talk about love, gratitude, and financial planning. Schedule a time to talk today here.

Wishing You Healthy Love and Money,

Ed Coambs - Founder