Getting Your Partner To See The Big Picture Financially

It can feel really challenging, at times, to get on the same page as your partner when it comes to finances. 

Many times this happens when one partner is in charge of the finances.

Yet, when one partner is solely responsible for holding onto the big picture financially of what's going on for the family it can cause many misunderstandings as well as frustration and money fights. 

Examples Of Money Fights Related To This Dynamic

One way that this dynamic creates money fights is when one partner is in charge of the finances. 

The partner who is in charge of the finances may pay all of the bills, keep the books, know all of the numbers, and have a sense of where the family's money needs to go each month due to taking sole responsibility for all of the financial details in the family's life. 

This leads to a dynamic where both partners don't have a sense of what needs to be done financially for the family.

So when things come along that seems like a no-brainer investment, say a highly discounted summer holiday or paying for your child's education, the partner who doesn't know about the finances may feel angry and not listened to when the partner who is in charge of the finances refuses to give the green light for the spending.

The partner who doesn't take responsibility for the expenses may not understand the bigger picture of what's going on financially for the family at the moment.

Examples of bigger picture things that might be going are paying off a large medical bill from a year ago that the partner has forgotten about. Or a recent increase in retirement contributions due to advice from your financial advisor.

If only one partner is in charge of the money decisions and knows about what's going on financially, this can lead to many money misunderstandings. 

Shared Money Responsibility

This is one of the reasons it's so important to share money responsibility in a relationship.

Shared money responsibility doesn't have to look like both partners sitting down together and paying for every bill that comes through the door.

Shared financial responsibility can be as simple as having a 20-minute meeting once every few weeks to talk about your finances, any new expenses, changes in expenses or income, or to discuss any decisions about your finances. 

Getting On The Same Page Initially

However, before you can sit down and agree to discuss finances it's important to be able to get on the same page financially with your partner so that you're starting from a grounded place. 

Things to consider to get on the same page financially are below.  

Exploring Values

It's important to discuss your values, beliefs, and approaches to money before beginning a relationship.

However, even if you've been married for years, it's never too late to get on the same page. 

Discussing things like debt, budgets, lifestyle choices, retirement goals, how much you'll support family members, and many more things are important to discuss with your partner. This way you'll both have a firm grasp of where you each stand, and where you stand financially as a family. 

It's okay not to agree on everything when it comes to money.

What's most important is that you are able to understand each other's perspectives and come to an agreement about what you'll do when you disagree.

Something as simple as deciding on financial priorities can be very powerful. Then the next time something comes up, like the need to put a new deck on the house, you can sit down as a couple and decide whether this fits into your current financial priorities and whether it fits in with your current financial plans and aspirations. 

Short Term Goals

What are your short-term financial goals as a couple?

It's important to be clear about what you're focused on financially at the moment so that you both know what your priorities are.

Whether that's building an emergency fund, saving for a vacation, or renovating the kitchen. When you agree on your short-term financial goals you can often be much more focused on achieving them. Plus, it limits confusion down the line. 

Long Term Goals

It's important to have a rough idea of where you want to be as a couple down the road.

Planning for retirement is especially important so that you have a sense of what you need to be doing during each decade of life to support your future plans to retire. 

Other long-term goals may be passing on generational wealth to your children or buying investment properties once your mortgage is paid off. 

When you know what it is that you're aiming for it becomes much easier to achieve this as a couple.

Plus, then when there are conflicting desires about what to do with your money you can both be clear on why you're making the choices you are, which makes those decisions so much easier. 

Financial Therapy Can Help

Sitting down and speaking with a financial therapist or coach can be a great help when it comes to facilitating these types of conversations. 

Having these conversations may seem unromantic, but ultimately they foster more closeness and emotional depth in a relationship. This is because when both partners know where the other stands it fosters a sense of trust and security. 

Plus, when you take the time to have these financial discussions now you'll be able to avoid financial discord down the line. 

Money fights and a disconnect in financial goals and habits are some of the key drivers of divorce. So when you confront the issues that often lead to money fights before they start, you'll put yourself at a significant advantage in terms of keeping your relationship, and your finances, in good health. 

Would you like more 1 on 1 support? Then perhaps Therapy Informed Financial Planning is for the two of you. I invite you to schedule your free 30-minute discovery call today.

Wishing You Healthy Love and Money,

Ed Coambs

MBA, MA, MS, CFP®, CFT-I™, LMFT

HealthyLoveandMoney.com