Aligning Financial Goals For Couples

Imagine waking up feeling like your financial goals are aligned and you are both pulling in the same direction.

What would that feel like in your body? 

After most of our clients at Healthy Love and Money get over their initial skepticism of this being possible, they usually describe it as warm, relaxed, light, etc. 

When we are not aligned with our partners financially, it takes a toll psychologically and physically. We are very sensitive to when we don’t feel understood, appreciated, or aligned. Sadly, this has become so normal for many people that we struggle to imagine a different experience. 

Why Is It Important to Align Financial Goals for Couples?

Aligning financial goals leads to increased emotional connection, wealth building, enjoyment, and a positive impact on our kids. And yes, this can include adult children who have moved out of the home. 

Financial goals represent our values, morals, and identity. When we are not able to pursue and live by our values, morals, and identity, we experience psychological distress. This is why we feel so outraged and indignant at parts of society that do not share our values, morals, and identity. 

The outrage, distress, and ultimate collapse become even more intense when these differences remain unresolved in our own lives. 

As we talk with clients about their finances at Healthy Love and Money, it becomes very clear how differences in financial goals have derailed couples from building financial security and wealth. 

Recently, a wife shared that she had read an article about “dying with zero.” This is in reference to a book by the same name that has become popular recently. She had not shared this insight with her husband. There are, of course, other layers about her family history with money that make this outlook feel favorable. However, they have debt and other current financial issues to work through. Her husband has different ideas about financial goals, so this has been a very sore subject for them. 

It is important to note that aligning financial goals happens within a much larger context, which can make it a long journey toward feeling connected relationally and financially.

We know through countless conversations and academic research that the way that parents relate to money has a profound impact on their children's later financial well-being and decisions. When couples are not aligned financially, it takes a financial, emotional, and relational toll, and kids develop anxiety and avoidance-related patterns around money. 

Why Do Couples Struggle to Align Financial Goals?

Let’s be honest. When was the last time you saw a couple on TV, on social media, or in your own home sit down, turn toward each other, and say “I love you?” Let’s talk about our finances together in a loving way. 

I have yet to meet someone who can say this is true for them.  Yet this could be the very key to being able to align financial goals. 

Couples are often navigating subtle yet important differences in financial backgrounds. Some have wildly different experiences, and it is hard for them to reconcile those differences. Some people see a “right” way of doing money, but norms around money management are more like a culture where choices are right to the people within it, than it is a math problem of 2+2 = 4. But when we see through the lens of our money culture and past experiences, we have difficulty viewing any correct course of action than the one we have deemed as the “right” way. 

We have so many messages about the role, meaning, and importance of emotions in all of life — especially around our finances. Yet how we handle each others emotions is a major predictor of relationship satisfaction and connection. 

Common Financial Challenges Couples Face

The top three issues we see at Healthy Love and Money are mounting credit card debt, unaddressed tax liabilities, and uninformed/haphazard investment decisions. 

As a couple, navigating money can be a divide-and-conquer approach that puts people in positions they are not good at, don’t want to be in, or feel frustrated with. Should couples split finances or do they work on it collaboratively? The answer to this is usually based on the quality of their relationship. 

When the relationship roles and expectations are not clear and in alignment for the couple according to their particular strengths and weaknesses, the side effects become mounting and unresolved financial issues in the relationship. 

Steps To Align Your Financial Goals As A Couple

While we do everything we can to make aligning goals easy for the couples we work with, we recognize that it is a complex, dynamic process. Here are three common steps we introduce to every couple we work with. 

Step 1: Start With Empathy and Curiosity

Why? Empathy and curiosity are the psychological approaches that will help people move into a state of mind of dropping their defenses and being receptive to seeing things in a new way.

Step 2: Work on Financial Traumas

Why? Financial traumas teach our brains that the financial stove is hot. Most humans don’t like getting burned. When they have had adverse financial experiences — even as far back as in their parent's lives or their childhood before they can remember — it can affect their perceptions, attitudes, and reactions. In their conscious memories, there are many places where a person could have learned a hard lesson and still feels the need to protect themselves against that happening in the future, even if the threat is no longer present. 

Step 3: Embrace Financial Diversity

Why? We have never seen (nor do we expect to meet) a couple where each person is strong and good at all the same things financially. When we see our partner as having financial strengths and ask ourselves how to synthesize theirs with ours, we can move further faster. 

Tools To Help Couples Manage Their Finances

Financial transparency and clarity matter. It is tough to make informed long-term financial decisions if we don’t know what is happening in our partner's financial life or our own. 

We use Monarch Money with all of our clients. There are many great features in this software. It balances simplicity and nuance and makes it easy for both partners to access and see shared information. No financial information is hidden on someone’s spreadsheet in the back corners of their computer. 

How To Overcome Disagreements About Money

At Healthy Love and Money, we draw deeply from the field of attachment theory. We find time and again that when couples experience secure attachment in their intimate relationships, it’s so much easier for them to navigate the full variety of financial decisions. 

One of our favorite current books on the topic is Secure Relating: Holding Your Own In An Insecure World.

If you haven’t checked out the science and skills of secure relating and attachment, it’s a must. Here is one of the top articles from our blog that goes into more detail. 

Financial Planning For Relationship Strengthening

Financial planning is a powerful process for couples to clarify the direction they want their life to head. It can also be a time when couples slow down to reflect on what is important to them. In the busy course of life, it can be hard to intentionally create time to be thoughtful about what you want your life to be about and what finances are needed to accomplish those goals. 

At a deeper level, many couples don’t see eye to eye on how to spend and allocate their time and money. The process of financial planning creates a safe place to work through those differences and help couples feel more connected with each other. 

When couples go through Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ at Healthy Love and Money, they experience relationship strengthening where financial differences are seen as assets, not liabilities. Having a professional ask thoughtful, intentional questions helps couples see themselves and their partners more clearly and compassionately. 

When Should You Get Financial Advice?

It is never too late to get financial advice. 

Sadly, many couples wait to the point that they feel hopeless about things changing financially. This makes the journey to financial flourishing more challenging. At the same time, we see couples take on the journey of restoring their relationship with each other and their money. 

How often do you feel stalled, in conflict, or disappointed regarding to your finances?

• Never
• Seldom
• Often
• All the time

If you are answering seldom or more, it is time for financial advice. It is a lot like dentistry. It is easier to treat a small cavity and clean up a bit of plaque than have to replace three broken-down teeth, along with two root canals and crowns. 

Final Tips For Staying Aligned On Financial Goals

We were recently consulting with a client, and they shared that this work is painful. We agreed. It can be painful initially. 

It’s like starting a new gym routine. Our bodies are out of shape and adjusting to the new expectations we are placing on them. There is, however, a difference between productive pain and pain that indicates you are getting injured. 

When supported and dosed appropriately with productive pain, we grow, and become more confident and proud. 

The two of you can align on your financial goals, even if you don’t currently believe it. We have seen it happen.

Let’s schedule free a 30-minute consultation to talk about your next steps. 

Supporting your journey to financial and emotional wellbeing, 

Team Healthy Love and Money

P.S. Learn more about our amazing team here. We would love to meet you!