High Income Not Rich Yet: 4 Steps To Build Net Worth Together

Written By: Ed Coambs MBA, MA, MS, CFP®, LMFT, CFT-I™

Expert at the intersection of financial planning, financial therapy, and couples therapy.

Where are you headed as a couple financially? 

Are you on autopilot, trusting everything will work out — even if you don’t know how?

Or perhaps one of you has taken the responsibility for managing the finances while the other sticks their head in the sand, feeling like significant discretionary income should cover all spending concerns.

Maybe one or both of you worked hard to become a high earner. Where does that number start? This depends on the couple and the industries they are connected with. (Typically it is north of $150,000 a year 

and beyond.)

Being a high-income couple seems like a dream to families who are not making as much money. It’s also a dream for financial planners who work with the affluent population — that is, if they are on the path to saving and building wealth. 

Meanwhile, there is a cruel irony for you if you are the first in your family to generate a high income. The conscious and unconscious belief is that once you make “good” money, then everything will be okay. You have likely broken through many visible and invisible barriers with hard work to enjoy this level of income. I say enjoy lightly as many actually feel fear, resentment, or disappointment with a high income — not necessarily with the number itself, but all the new responsibilities it brings to their lives. 

This would be all well and good if it was just you, but when you enter into an intimate partnership, the complexities don’t double. They multiply. 

You likely have mixed feelings about words like wealth, high income, investments, etc. Maybe just acknowledging that your pay is more than your parents earned in years of work (or even their lifetimes) can evoke a range of uncomfortable emotions. I invite you to provide yourself with self-compassion as you have those uncomfortable emotions. 

For people who come from middle-class backgrounds and are new to high incomes, the initial goal may have been to make a six-figure income. Once that goal is reached, a whole new set of goals and realities start to open up. One of them is learning how to manage this higher income with your intimate partner for your financial future.

There is a path forward towards building wealth as a couple, working through lifestyle creep, and moving toward your financial goals. 

Step 1: Start With Financial Intimacy

For many couples, this is a new concept and a first step. The word intimacy is not new to them, but the combination of financial intimacy is unfamiliar. That is completely understandable — this is not a word combination that is widely used in society. 

Financial intimacy is being completely open and transparent both with yourself and your partner. There is nothing that needs to be hidden from yourself or your partner.

Take a moment now to stop and reflect on what the words financial intimacy mean to you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how financially intimate are you with your intimate partner? One would be not at all and you don’t share any financial information with them. Ten would be everything's out in the open and you can both openly share hopes, dreams, and aspirations along with places of fear, anxiety, and even shame around money. 

Imagine it like being able to stand fully naked in front of the mirror and see the entirety of your financial self. 

This is a scary proposition for many and why financial therapy can be so helpful. It is very common for humans to have places in their financial lives they would rather not look at. 

With higher-than-average salaries, it is important to look in the financial mirror and see all that is happening in your life. Calibrating to your new reality can be a real psychological challenge. 

When high income feels inconsistent with the way you see yourself, you are even more likely to hide parts of your financial life from yourself and your intimate partner. 

The goal of developing financial intimacy gives you a mountain top to work toward. No matter how you rated yourself from 1 - 10, there is room to continue to grow deeper and closer together financially. 

Yes, financial intimacy is about knowing your numbers and what they mean, but it is also about knowing yourself and your partner in meaningful ways. 

Financial intimacy is the foundation of building wealth together as a couple. You may not be rich yet, as having a high income is only part of the total wealth picture. 

Step 2: Get Financially Clear

As they think about their financial life, many couples think about their budget as the place to start. They want to take action and change how they are using their disposable income.  For high-earning professionals, I like them to start with net worth instead. 

There are several reasons for this. To understand your wealth, you need to continually get more comfortable with looking at your net worth and tracking its progress over time. This is part of what you use to determine when you have arrived in the land of wealth, which is both a functional and psychological place. 

I am not making the case that you have to be wealthy to be happy. There are plenty of people who will never achieve financial wealth and will still live rich, meaningful lives. This is part of the confusion that I have experienced and other clients have navigated. 

There are different arguments for what it means to be wealthy and what that looks like. I am making the express assumption you would like to maintain your standard of living throughout your life. Because of this assumption and your high income, you will need an appropriate level of wealth to support that standard of living in the future. 

Getting clear financially will require financial intimacy. I know that in many couples, one or both partners are uncomfortable looking at the numbers of the family outside of their particular set of responsibilities. 

These boundaries may be functional for day-to-day purposes. For example, if one family member is primarily responsible for buying things for the house and kids, they may reason to think, “I don’t need to know how much money my partner makes.” But then when that partner talks about the reality that they need to start saving more money for the future, confusion, frustration, and resentment start to sink in. 

The relationship between household income and wealth needs to be built over time. Research has shown that relationship satisfaction increases when couples work on their finances together transparently. Taking the time to get clear on both the overarching and day-to-day pictures of the family finances is a learning journey that couples can take together that will enrich their relationship. 

For many couples, this will be breaking the paradigm of what they saw and experienced in their own families. Financial intimacy helps couples build financial clarity, but it can be a new concept. It takes time for you to develop as you progress on building wealth together as a couple. 

Gathering all your financial information into one place is an essential part of financial clarity. There are six main categories to organize:

1. Income and spending
2. Net worth (everything you own minus everything you owe)
3. Taxes
4. Insurance
5. Estate planning
6. Education planning

If you are doing this on your own, you may use a combination of digital file folders and software like Monarch Money. If you are working with a financial planner, they will have more sophisticated software that can do greater levels of organization and analysis to provide financial clarity about where you stand financially. 

Having current, accurate information is essential. As the old saying goes, “Garbage in, garbage out.” This is so true for our financial lives. Without reliable information, it is hard to make informed, thoughtful financial decisions. Taking the time to gather and get clear on your current financial standing is imperative as you will either over- or under-react to what needs to happen in your financial life without it. 

Heck, you may still emotionally over- or under-react, but at least you will have accurate information to use. 

Step 3: Determine Next Steps

After committing to financial intimacy and financial clarity, you are now at a place where together you can make informed financial decisions that will be beneficial for both of you and the other important people in your life, like your kids, parents, and extended family members. 

Once couples get to this phase, they have some important decisions to make. What steps do they want to take to improve their financial situation? Even when we have the financial information collected and clear, it is not always apparent what is the next right step. 

This is where analysis paralysis starts to show up. Many clients are looking for an order of operations to address what they see. 

Three of the most common first steps to take are:

1. Adjustments in lifestyle spending. This can be increasing the amount of money you are spending in one or more areas of life that will bring greater satisfaction to your life. Or you may realize that you need to reduce spending in certain areas to move closer to your personal values. You may feel like you have a lavish lifestyle or that you don't, and those feelings can drive spending decisions. You may also be navigating student loans, credit card debt, and a high cost of living. 
2. Adjustments to retirement savings. This can include learning more about your retirement plan options, including 401(k)s, stock options, IRAs, and taxable accounts. There can be a learning curve to these decisions. Take time to understand how decisions related to lifestyle spending and retirement planning relate to each other. Issues around contribution limits are impacted by your income level.
3. Adjustments to tax planning/savings. A review of tax returns and withholdings can clarify opportunities to become more tax-efficient ways to manage your income. For couples who are new to high incomes or have not thought about taxes as part of wealth building, this becomes an essential next step. High taxes become a big concern and issues like capital gains, alternative minimum tax, and taxable brokerage accounts are all now part of your reality. 

At this point, you may be realizing that one of two things is happening for you as a married couple. You are working collaboratively and coming up with joint decisions about how to move forward, or you are feeling stuck and would like some outside support. 

Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ can be a great way to help the two of you determine the next financial steps you want to take. Navigating the process of financial change together can feel awkward and uncomfortable. Having an experienced professional guide you in the important financial changes in your life can make the whole experience so much more enjoyable. 

Step 4: Revisit the Meaning of Financial Intimacy

Building your financial life together is an ongoing process and will take continual reflection and action to help you make the most of being high-earning professionals. 

You have devoted tremendous time and energy to being excellent at what you do. That same drive will be important for the two of you for your personal finances. Fostering financial intimacy will help make your journey through your life and career so much more enjoyable. 

Recently, I attended a conference on mergers and acquisitions for business owners. One of the speakers talked about how important it was to talk with their intimate partner about what they were feeling and experiencing as they went through this major transaction. 

Yes, they had the attorneys, bankers, and consultants to help guide them through the technical details, but it was having the emotional support and understanding of their partner that made the biggest difference for them. The ability of the two of you to continually take stock of both the big picture and all the moving pieces of your financial life will make times of life transition and change so much easier. This skill can be developed with practice. 

High earnings and having a lot of money can be a great thing, but it does not create financial freedom in the way many people initially think. You still have to be thoughtful with money to build wealth, regardless of your income level. 

The term “HENRY” (high earners, not rich yet) illustrates this point well. It is not uncommon for people who are new to a high salary to rethink the family’s costs and what is appropriate. Perhaps before luxury brands were completely off-limits, but now they may have a place in your spending. Social media can also play a big role in shaping your financial expectations. 

As you finish reading through this blog post, what do you think financial intimacy means to you now? 

How has your definition and understanding expanded? 

Building Net Worth as a Couple

Getting comfortable with an increasing net worth is a process, not a one-time event. It is a change in our sense of who we are in the world and the way we experience ourselves and others. 

That said, your net worth can never be a replacement for your self-worth. But your net worth can support the greatest expressions of your self-worth. 

Building wealth is a team sport, and your intimate partner is the most important companion in the journey of wealth creation. This is especially important to keep in mind if you have a high income and your partner does not. Take the time to acknowledge the value and contribution each of you makes to the life that you are building together. 

I know much of this is easier said than done, which is why I love supporting high-income couples as a financial advisor through Therapy-Informed Financial Planning — so they can live their happily ever after. 

Let’s find a time to talk if you are stuck on your journey of wealth-building as a couple. 

Wishing You Healthy Love and Money,

Ed Coambs