9 Powerful Communication Strategies to Handle Money Conversations

Money talks are among the most challenging issues to navigate with a romantic partner. Money can be an emotional topic, and many couples avoid it because they're afraid of hurting their partner or being judged by them. 

In this blog post, we will go over 9 communication strategies for healthily handling money conversations with your partner so you can achieve your financial goals. 

1. Frame the Conversation in a Positive Way

The first step in having a healthy conversation is framing it from a positive perspective. 

Relationships are based on love and kindness, so putting those feelings into your words can help set the tone for the entire conversation. 

Don’t approach money conversations when you’re angry or upset. It will create tension from the start. 

Instead, take time to get yourself in a positive and loving mindset where you practice strong communication skills. 

Addressing a difficult conversation about a financial situation that has been bothering you for some time will take a safe space for both of you.

Consider making a list of things you’re grateful for in your financial life and in your partner to help with your money mindset. It is easy to lose sight of the good things in your financial life when ruminating on money problems. 

These exercises might feel silly, but they can make you more productive when you enter the conversation.

2. Make a Compliment Sandwich

Broach the conversation about money with your partner by telling them what you appreciate first. 

For example, instead of saying, "We need to talk about our money," you could say, "I'm so glad we have a healthy relationship where we are able to communicate so well. Can we plan a time to talk about our finances?"

I have heard and seen countless couples in my work with them broadside their partner with their concerns about monthly expenses, credit scores, and spending habits hoping to get help and resolution but instead igniting a range of psychological defense mechanisms. 

Another way to think about this is to make a compliment sandwich when discussing money with your partner. Begin and end each challenging statement with a positive. 

For example, say, “I love that we’re able to talk about money. But sometimes, I worry about the credit card balance we’re carrying. You’re so good at problem-solving. What do you think would be the best way to address this?”

Being aware of and watching your partner's body language and level of eye contact can provide a lot of information about how this approach is working. 
If this is not your normal approach to communication, you will want to give your partner a heads-up that you want to practice some good communication skills, before you try the compliment sandwich.  As your partner will notice when you start to change the way you approach them and initially they will likely be a bit suspicious. 

Please remember we can not control how our partners respond to us; we can only control how we respond to them. 

3. Prepare In Advance

Instead of jumping into the conversation and figuring out what you want to say, one strategy is to prepare in advance. 

This will help with your anxiety levels because you'll already know exactly how you're going to start the conversation when the time comes. 

The best way to do this is by writing down a list of exactly what you want to talk about and what you wish to accomplish before you start the conversation. 

You might even prepare a one-minute monologue that you can read to start the conversation. 

These steps are well worth the effort as they can help ensure that you're ready for any scenario and won't be sidelined entirely by anxiety or fear when the time comes to have the conversation. 

One of the most important things to remember about preparing in advance is that it will take practice to get in this habit. Especially if you are used to reacting and responding as soon as you feel financial stress. 

4. Be Mindful of Your Nonverbal Communication

Your nonverbal communication is part of effective communication skills. 

When you're nervous about what your partner will say, you can easily give off a deer-in-the-headlights vibe that makes your partner much more likely to react negatively than if you were projecting calmness and confidence. 

This can come out in your tone of voice, facial expressions, and body posture.

Therefore, it's important that you're mindful of your nonverbal cues and try to keep them in mind as much as possible. 

For example, slow down the pace of your speech or avoid fidgeting too much. Also, watch the tone and volume of your voice. Speaking softer and lower in pitch can help your partner feel more relaxed. 

Experimenting with different nonverbal communication methods is a great way to find new ways to approach the topic of money. 

The best financial decisions come when both partners feel heard and understood. 

5. Try to Avoid "You" Statements When Possible

Most money conversations come from a place of “you did this, you did that”.

This creates a tone of blame in the conversation from the start. 

When we start conversations from a place of blame, everyone becomes tense and defensive. 

Instead, make statements such as “I’m feeling this when we get a large credit card statement” rather than “you spent too much on the credit card last month”. 

When you make “I” statements instead of “you” statements it helps your partner understand your perspective and it stops the blame game dead in its tracks. 

6. Begin the Conversation with a Self-Awareness Assessment

Before you have the money conversation, it can be helpful to take a moment to reflect on your thoughts and beliefs about money and how these will impact the way you talk. Some would say we all have a money personality. I would add that these money personalities come from authentic experiences that have shaped a particular approach to money that was adaptive at the time and maybe less helpful now. 

With different money personalities, you may project your feelings onto your partner. This is why it's important to recognize your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings about money beforehand. Many of us get stuck believing our way of doing money is better than another persons. Taking the moral superiority route to money is sure to create relationship distance and distress. 

If you need help with this, it's a great idea to write down a few things that come to mind when you think about money in your relationship before starting the conversation.

Or, if you’d like to explore your money beliefs more, consider taking The Family Money Tree Course. 

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7. Try to Create a Safe Environment

Many people struggle when they have money conversations because of fear and anxiety. 

Very few people I met in my work have had someone practice active listening with them about their financial lives. This is, time and again, one of my best practices as a financial advisor and financial therapist. When people get your full attention without judgment, they are much more likely to consider alternative perspectives. 

As we discussed in the last point, most people find that discussing money brings up a lot of deep emotions, beliefs, and thoughts. 

One way to counter this is to create a safe environment for the money conversation. This might mean having these conversations at the right times. 

For example, if your partner had a tough day at work and comes home in a bad mood, you might not want to start a money conversation because it's likely that they won't be receptive. 

Recognizing the signs your partner may be less receptive to a money conversation can be helpful. 

It's okay to try again another time if it doesn't seem like the right moment.

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8. Reassure Your Partner That You're Not Trying to Change Them

It can be difficult for people when they are told that their behavior or beliefs are wrong. 

Even though you may not have negative intentions, your partner may still feel threatened by your money conversation if you come off as trying to change them.

That's why it's important that you reassure them that you're not trying to make them into something they're not. You’re just trying to get on the same page and problem-solve the situation together. 

This can help your partner relax and think more clearly about what you’re taking about. It can also help them be more clear about the concerns that they have and help you both stay focused on creating a solution.

This can be a great time to talk about what financial success looks like to each of you. 

Honest conversations that hold both partners best interests in mind set a strong foundation for financial health. 

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9. Create an Action Plan Together to Follow Up on Your Conversations

Once you've had your money conversation about your financial issues, it's time to create a plan going forward. 

This will help with your accountability because you'll know exactly what needs to be done and by whom. 

Without a clear action plan, a discussion is usually not very productive. 

For example, if you’ve decided that you have a budget for your credit card spending for the month decide on the steps to take after the discussion. Perhaps one of you will go online and set an alert that will text you both when you hit a certain spending limit. Then you can plan to track if the spending limis are working month to month by having a planned discussion about it. It does typically take three to six months for couples to find common ground on their spending. 

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It can be really important in this stage to have ground rules about returning to your skills as an effective communicator to work through adjustments to spending limits you agreed to. Remember your money personality leads you into particular money habits and it often takes multiple healthy financial conversations to reach long term sustained change. 

​Working with a financial planner who is skilled and trained in effective communication and the change process as it relates to money can be very helpful and, in some cases, relationship-saving. 

You can get 1-on-1 support with Therapy Informed Financial Planning. I invite you to schedule your free 30-minute discovery call today.

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Wishing You Healthy Love and Money,

Ed Coambs

MBA, MA, MS, CFP®, CFT-I™, LMFT

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